I laugh only to keep from crying.
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This is what I wore last night to volunteer at my college’s V-Day event(yes I know there are problematic things with V-Day but if it wasn’t V-Day it would be nothing in my city and the money raised goes to the local women’s crisis shelter). I helped sell jewelry from International Sanctuary, a company that employs survivors of human trafficking.
A friend who I met through performing last year, introduced me to another trans woman who lives in my city, which brings the trans population that I know of including myself of my city to 3. I had know idea of what to say to her and we just kind of stood around for a few minutes.
After the show I went with my roommate who was in the show and the other performers to a nearby club. We ordered some pizzas and had a little after party.
Yesterday I went shopping. I wanted to find a something to wear next weekend while volunteering at the college’s V-Day performance.
I found three tops, a skirt, and a pair of pants that I liked but wasn’t really sure about. So I went to the dressing rooms. The dressing rooms in the store are just six cubicles in a U-shape, one side for women, one side for men, but no real separation, with the attendant desk at the open end of the U. I told the attendant that I wanted to try the clothes on. The attendant looked over to the women’s side saw all the cubicles full and directed me to an empty men’s cubicle.
I didn’t mind using one of the men’s cubicles. I expected to be directed that way cause I don’t think I pass that well or at all and it’s not like it really matters in this case but the fact she checked the women’s side was nice. I guess the minimum effort I put toward looking femme(no make up just a figure hugging pink shirt and lightly padded bra) helped.
These are two of the tops I got. The third need to exchange because I put back the wrong size. The third is the one I’m going to wear this weekend so I’ll have pics then of it.
This is the new top I bought to today from the store I work at. Michael Kors originally priced at $39.99 I payed $7 because it was on clearance. This is the first piece of clothing I’ve bought from my store since before Halloween. There have been other tops that I’ve wanted but didn’t get because I’ve been a little afraid to buy too much woman’s clothes at my work since I’m not out there. This however was too good a deal to pass up.
I may be a little too paranoid about not being out at work. Before deciding to buy it I worked out a script of what to say if the cashier questioned me about the top. In the end, she didn’t ask me who it was for or anything else. She commented on how soft the top was, the name brand, and the low price. Any where else I wouldn’t worry as much about what the cashier thinks of me but these are the people I work with. I wish I could know that everything would work out okay (I don’t need great or good just okay will do) if I came out at work.
Going to church.
It’s a Unitarian Universalist church with a fairly loose dress code but he good Catholic girl in me insists church = nice dressy clothes.
Today at work I helped a coworker, the same woman who found out I’m trans from finding my facebook, put somethings up on a shelf just too tall for her. Afterward she said “It must be nice being a tall man.” It’s not more than what I normally have to put up with since I’m out at work but it hurt a little more coming from someone who I thought would understand.
The silver lining to this story is another of my coworkers interjecting, right after the tall man comment, with, “Tall person.” I think I smiled. A real smile not the put on fake smile. It was a small thing but more than I expect from most people.
I feel like there is a small chance this coworker knows I’m trans as well but hasn’t broached the subject with me because I haven’t brought it up. She seems like a very respectful woman and we have talked enough that I consider her a work friend. I think if I did come out to her she would be accepting.
Right now I’m a bit busy with my new position, so it will will be a little while longer until I seriously start thinking about coming out more at work.
Bought my first bra(that really fits and is not a sports bra)
Yesterday I bought some clothes for work because with a five day work week I can barely squeak by without doing laundry and I wanted a little more of a buffer. I got two more pairs of pants and three shirts, one short sleeve polo shirt and two long sleeve flannel shirts.
While I was there I did my usual browse of the clearance racks and saw some dresses that I might get this weekend. I also wandered through the bras looking for my size. This is mostly an exercise in futility. I wear a 44B. Only a handful of bras go up to 42 and less go up to 44 and almost none come in a b-cup. Most of my bras are sports bras, cheap fruit-of-the-loom cloth uni-boob type sports bras. I have one non-sports bra, it’s a 44C but mostly fits ok, does the job of keeping the girls from jiggling too much.
But yesterday I found a Just My Size 44B bra. I wore it today instead of one of my regular sports bras and it is an improvement. I can’t quite quantify how (fit/support/psychologically) but it is.
One thing I can kind of point to is how different it feels(physically and mentally) to have each breast cupped and filling out said cup(my other bra has molded cups that don’t conform to the shape of my breasts) rather than being flattened/held in place by a cotton band. It feels right. I feel more me. I feel like I am being truer to me. I feel I am moving from hiding/denying/ignoring who I am to embracing me and getting closer to not letting what others might do/think/say to me matter.
It feels strange that I’m feeling/thinking that I’m closer to accepting myself. I thought I had fought that battle but I see it isn’t a battle but a climb out of the hole I dug. Dug with insecurities and doubts and self-hate. But I’m finding my hand holds and pulling myself out. The light from above seems dazzling at times and other times it’s at dark as the way down but it’s the only way I can go without giving up.
That got kind of metaphor heavy. Anyway, I got my first ‘real’ bra that fits well and I really like it and how it makes me feel is the gist of what I wanted to say. That’s all.
Day off + need to feel not shitty about my face = these pics and others I’m not gonna show you.
Sometimes(a lot of times) I look in the mirror and I see someone I don’t recognize. But in these pics I see myself. It feels good. I wish I could always see myself.
Out to another person at work
So yesterday I was in the back room at work getting shelves down to put up out in the store when a coworker asked me, “Do you like Gill or Jillian? I found your facebook.” We had a very brief chat in which I said it was Gillian with a hard G and I’d prefer Gill or Gilly at work (mostly just to avoid being outed). And she said she wasn’t going to be broadcasting that I’m trans.
She makes two people I am out to at work now, both fine with it. The first sent me a friend request like the first week we worked together before we really got to know each other. I finally accepted her friend request a month ago because it occurred to me that we were friends now.
At this rate I might not have to come out to my co-workers, just upper management, which suits me just fine. I’ve been more worried about how my co-workers would react to me being trans. While my store has an anti-discrimination/harassment policy that includes gender identity and expression, it still comes down to the people I work with being decent people.
Went to see The Hobbit in a skirt
A lot of the time I chose clothing that is social safe for me to wear as a non-passing trans woman. Today I consciously chose to wear what I felt physically comfortable wearing instead. I wore a white peasant skirt and that orangeish tunic I got a couple of weeks ago on clearance(I’ve been back to the clearance rack and seen the same tunic in two more colors and my size. I’m waiting till next payday to snag them along with a couple of skirts.). It’s not the first time I’ve gone out in a skirt or dress but I don’t do it very often and never when I have to go somewhere alone. I don’t want to be afraid to wear what I feel comfortable in but I am.
It can be hard not being when I’m not out at work so I’m worried about running into people from work when I’m dressed femme. My manager had talked about wanting to seeing The Hobbit but waiting for the weekend rush to pass. So, I thought there was a chance that I might run into him but still wore my skirt, so I’m proud of me for overcoming that overthinking thought.
As for The Hobbit, I really liked it and thought the 3d was really well done. It’s been about ten years since I read the book and a few more years since I last saw the Rankin Bass cartoon, so I didn’t remember what exactly was going to happen. There were some things that stood out as not having been in the book. After refreshing my memory of the plot with Wikipedia, I can say so far I like the changes and padding of the story from side stories and appendixes. It feels a lot more like a prequel to LOTR than the original story did.
I don’t talk about this often but I am fat. I have a belly that muffin tops when I wear anything with a waist. I’m not on a diet. I don’t have an exercise plan. I’m not planning on losing weight. This is my body. This is the weight my body maintains naturally. I’m a fat woman and there shouldn’t be anything wrong with that.
It’s hard sometimes because I so rarely see women my size in print or on tv or even on tumblr(maybe I’m not following the right blogs, shoot me suggestions). It’s harder when I look for trans women my size. We get the message that to be an acceptable woman you have to be thin just like other women. Then it gets all tangled up with thoughts of passing. Until a lot of think we have to be thin to be seen as women.
In my early twenties, I went through several realization and denial cycles about being transgender. Every time I used my weight against myself as a(the) reason that I couldn’t transition and should just bury those feelings.
I eventually mostly made peace with my body size and started transitioning. I still have some issues with my body size but most of them are perpetuated by society and I’m getting better at ignoring them.
