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Selfie I snapped on my break today.  The second of seven but the one I like the most.

I work at Tj Maxx and I’m a trans woman.  I’ve been fairly careful until now to not reveal where I work but I’d rather be open about it now because before I came out I didn’t know what the company policy was about trans people.  When I tried searching for info about being trans and working at Tj Maxx I found vague mentions of lgbt associations in Tj Maxx but nothing definite.  

I wasn’t even sure there was a transgender policy until I saw a mention of it on a flyer.  A tiny little blurb gave me enough hope to contact HR and get the ball rolling on finally being able to be completely open.  I live in Texas so it was a real relief to find out that I would be supported by company policy and protected by the non-discrimination/harassment policy.

Feel free to share this so other trans people working at Tj Maxx’s can see that they have a chance.  

If you work at a Tj Maxx and are not out as trans, feel free to contact me if you want info on Tj Maxx’s transgender policy.

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Went to my grandpa’s 94 birthday party. I had a really good time hanging out with my cousins.  This is I think the most femme I’ve presented around my family even though it isn’t really too femme.  More like lazy femme; cute top and jeans.

My cousins and one aunt who hung out at our table for a while, were really good about using my name and pronouns.  I wasn’t misgendered at all that I heard.

I got a ride with my parents to the party.  Dad greeted me with, “What’s up boy?”  They gave me my Christmas card, which in years past has had my legal name on the envelope.  This year there was no name on the envelope.  Maybe this is more progress from giving me cards that say son?  I don’t know how to directly confront them about my name and pronouns.

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Middle of the night selfie for reasons.

Phone call to HR done!

Talked to HR.  She put my mind to ease about the company supporting me.  She was super understanding and didn’t pressure me to reveal my legal name or what store I work in.  Now I need to talk to my manager and get things rolling locally.

From what she said I got the feel that she thought I was just starting transition.  She talked about privacy and not everyone needing to know and taking time off and coming back as my “new” gender.  A lot of “stealth” type phrasings.

I don’t anticipate needing time off.  I’m known to almost everyone in the store so it’s not going to be private.  I kind of don’t mind it not being private so long as everyone is respectful and doesn’t use my trans status against me.

Also, I’m pretty much physically transitioned as much as I want to be.  I want to my beard lasered off but otherwise, I am me.  There’s not going to be a big dramatic change between how I look now and how I look once I come out.  I was kind of too nervous to talk about that to her.

I already get gendered as a woman by random people on a daily basis now while in guy drag.  Once I can femme up my clothing choices and get my name on my name tag, and be able to openly id as a woman to people who question me; I think it’ll become more consistent.

OMG This is happening!

The HR manager emailed back.  I was just about to make a post about how I was probably going to have to wait until Monday since I sent the email so late.  Plus there’s a new store opening that I thought might have her occupied.  Apparently not.

Her message:

We so have a policy supporting transgendered individuals. Our company supports all individuals. Would you feel comfortable asking your Store Manager to review the policy with you?  If not, perhaps we can speak?  

Talking to her might be good but maybe I should just go to my manager since she is indicating that’s an option?

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Selfie time cause I just did one of the scariest things I’ve ever had to do.  Emailed HR at the company I work for about transitioning at work.

And now I’m going grocery shopping.

Why is this so hard?

I’ve made a new email address.  I have a new email open.  The HR manager’s email is entered.  I’ve typed this in the body:

I am a trans woman working in one of your stores as a man currently.  I am seeking info on company guidelines for employees transitioning on the job.

I just have to press send.

Why is this so hard?

I was in the men’s restroom at work(cause still not out) washing my hands and a man walked in.  He stopped, spun in place, and walked out.  I finished washing my hands and walked out.  The guy was outside the door waiting to go in.  It’s not the first time a guy has walked out of the restroom because he saw me and thought he had walked into the women’s restroom.  Usually they walk back in once they check the door sign though.

I was helping a new employee and when I was done as I was walking away I think I heard her say, “Thank you si-ma’am.”  I’m not sure but I want to think that’s what I heard.

"Hello, are you finding everything ok?" I asked a woman and she said, "Yes thank you ma’am."

I wonder how many other people that I never talk to see me as a woman?  I feel comforted by these incidents.  Like I maybe I have a chance at a “normal” life. I know that this is all kinds of internalized transphobia but I can’t help thinking it.

daily rambly post

Today at work we had a meeting of the managers and floor coordinators.  As a I sat at the table I realized that the only man in the room was the store manager.  Accept to everyone else in the room, there were two men in the room.  For a moment, I felt like telling them that I am trans.  I felt like I needed to tell them.  But I couldn’t.

Christmas season is already starting.  We are going to be so busy.  I want to come out soon but maybe I should wait until after the holidays.  But I don’t want to put it off much longer.

I want to come out but I haven’t even contacted HR.  I wrote that letter draft and have been sitting on it.  I wish I knew that things would be ok.  I know that we can never really know what is coming in life but rarely do we have no idea of what will happen.  Right now I have know idea how my coworkers will react to me.  I have no idea how customers will react.  I have no idea if I’m basically firing myself by coming out as trans.

I had a dream last night that I was a young girl doing my homework and I signed my name, Gillian, and it was the best dream I’ve had in months.

I’ve been looking at articles about transtioning in the workplace but it seems that all of them are for office settings.  I work in a retail store, mostly on the sales floor but I pitch in at the registers as needed.  

They talk about informing HR and managers and coworkers which is stuff I will have to do but don’t talk about the general public.  How do I deal with random people when I’m working on the sales floor?  When talking to a customer am I allowed to correct them if they misgender me?  What about bathrooms?  The retail store I work in only has public bathrooms for employees and customers alike.  How do I deal with that?  Can I insist that I’m in the right bathroom to customers?

How much does “the customer is always right” trump my gender identity?